kiersten.holine

music making & meandering

I’ve been in the midst of a pretty stressful patch of my life as of late. sleep has been pushed aside and room has been made for thinking and working as endlessly as possible.
throughout all of it, I’m trying to remember that everyone goes through these patches. some for years. some for just a day.
a world of strangers can feel communal when you realize there is someone out there going through exactly the same thing you are. and there’s something so comforting about that.
it’ll all work out.

you said you would be my dream. I could have you every night
and if, by morning, I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be alright.
because you are the reoccurring kind.
you never really leave my mind.

this today. and maybe everyday. 

August Rosenbaum - Dory (Grizzly Bear cover)

“and they said, is death that which gives meaning to life? and I said no, life is that which gives meaning to life.”

tonight is a night where i drove along the water with the windows down and the sun setting over the mountains in my rear view mirror, seattle skyline twinkling ahead of me. and I took a lot of deep breaths.
a humid, but cool wind was blowing my hair around and everything was…. quiet.
except for the faint hums of people walking along the beach. laughing around a crackling bonfire. the ever cooling sand below their feet.
and except for sharon van etten’s “love more” surrounding me.
tonight was magic.
things felt hopeful.

      First Watch: Bear's Den, 'Elysium'

this hit me incredibly hard. thanks to james marcus haney for making this. all of us who went to spu and those who currently go there desperately need to see beauty like this spawn from such an awful day. 

“don’t be afraid to be confused. try to remain permanently confused. anything is possible. stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.”

I took a red eye last week and I remember waking up at about 3am absolutely craving more sleep. I was really out of it and wanted to open the window to see what type of environment my body had traveled to while I was dreaming.
I was overwhelmingly tired. all I could think about was how much I wanted it to be pitch dark beyond that closed window. I wanted the sky to match my fatigue and I wanted it to sort of… cradle/encourage me back to sleep. like “don’t worry, kiersten. it’s still nighttime. we’ve got the dark thing covered so you can sleep more. you have time before a new day begins”
instead, I looked out my window to see the sun rising over an all too familiar Midwest landscape. it was so intensely gorgeous that I couldn’t be pissed that a day was starting when I wasn’t ready for it to begin.
the world wasn’t working in my favor, but it still brought me so much joy.
I think in life we hope for or anticipate certain things, convinced it’s the only thing that will make us happy. but life frequently surprises us by bringing something totally different than what we had hoped for. planned for. and when it comes around, we realize this something was better for us all along. how beautiful is that?